I have a very specific set of requirements

Original Post

"I have very specific requirements"

Hello and thank you for reading my post. I have a very specific set of requirements, but please don't let that deter you from reading my whole post. 

First, I'll be honest with you. I only date men with advanced degrees (MD, DDS, PhD, JD). I prefer men with annual salaries of $100,000+, but I will make an exception if you have a nice dong, or an inheritance in your near future. 

As far as looks go, I am not too discriminatory. I prefer men 5'10 or above and HWP. Tan and nicely muscled is a bonus. Back hair is ok, but please don't look like you are laying under a bear skin rug. Men with accents get preferential treatment. 

I myself am 5'4 and about 160 lbs. Not exactly HWP, but I'd like to think my fluffiness holds a certain charm. As far as complexion goes, I am very pale -- translucent really. I burn when exposed to sunlight. 

Career-wise, I have been fired or laid off from nearly every job I have ever had. I'd like to think it's just a 13 year bad luck streak that will soon break. Also, I recently had a ch 7 and have about $50,000 in student loans. 

Other important qualities you should know about me: I have one breast that is a solid D. I am a master chef with anything that comes from a box. I only have one noticeable grey hair that just won't go away no matter how many times I pluck it. I do not have a mustache. 

It would be nice to find a nice doctor or dentist who wants to get married and start a family. I can be a stay at home mom! 

Here are the replies I got

K says...

OK So i'm sitting here reading this entire post and the whole time i'm waiting for the punchline. The part where the poster is like jk, aren't people just way outta line with expectations and nothing. Was this a real ad and not a joke?? Your a short, fat pasty girl that can't hold a job. And this is your opinion of yourself even,I couldn't imagine how others view ya. But don't worry educated and successful men totally look for someone that brings very little to the table. Unreal My reply: Some people got the joke, and a few people cussed me out ******************* R says... Did you mention you were a comedian?  My reply: Must have slipped my mind :p ********************* B says... The american dream is dead. Quit trying to rely on others and "man up", lazy ass. My reply: B (name redacted), thank you for your reply.  However, you did not specify which three criterion you fit: A) doctor B) big dong C) inheritance.  Please reply with your answer and a pic.  Thank you for your inquiry. *********************** D says... The men think their dicks are bronzed with gold and no matter how fat, ugly or gross they are, think they deserve beauty queens! My reply: I am like a dude, only with bewbs D says... I knew you are a man. LOL My reply: Psh, wrong! I am a girl D says... Ahhh, well, good luck with that ad!

********

N says....

fucking worthless gold digger. go KEEP your own job and pay your own shit!!!!...

My reply: You did not specify which criterion you fit: A) doctor B) big dong C) inheritance. Please reply back with pic.

*******************

Last name Milk says.... Ya sure. and I'm Donald Trump - stupid fucking American women.

My reply:  Your parents named you after a beverage.

M says....

I moved to Denver from (redacted) a few months ago and I'm hoping to find somebody my age to hang out with and show me the town. I'm finally surfacing from starting a new job, and totally in a new place --- so I'm interested in somebody to grab dinner/drinks and see the city with.

My reply:

Sir, you have succeeded in confusing me.  Are you trolling the troll? Well played. Well played.
*******************

B says...

Hahahaha! Now that was pure comedic entertainment!  I almost took you seriously for a moment

My reply: Lol. I am getting cussed out by a lot of people.

************************

(after I reposted the ad, B came back....)

B says....  So this isn't a joke? Are you serious?

My reply: It depends....do you meet one of my requirements? :P  It's much too fun to stop now.

B says... It does have comedic value.  If there is any sincerity to your post then you have a screw loose and a warped sense of reality.  If the whole thing is a joke then I can see the hilarity in it. 

My reply: I've been accused of insanity before. You'll be glad to know that my mother had me tested, and I am fine.  You want to see some of the replies? They're pretty funny.
*************************

J says.... I feel like... You are trying very hard to see if dudes will answer just about anything?

My reply: It worked!

J says... It made me laugh!

My reply: I have had many replies. Either they laugh, or i get cussed out

J says... either way... my one titted, fat, gold-digger, a fantastic troll.

My reply: Ha ha. Thanks
*****************************

A says.... This shit is absolutely hilarious!! Fucking epic!

My reply:  Glad you enjoyed it :)

A says... How many desperate idiots have you gotten to fall for this nonsense??

My reply: One desperate idiot, 3 people cussed me out, and a handful of people that laughed

A says... Well you have my vote for funniest post of the day...possibly the week

******************************

J says... LOL Your post was a joke.. right?!  

My reply:  Sort of a joke... Sort of wanted to see which smartasses would get it. A litmus test, uf you will. :)

J says... I liked it.. It was ridiculous. I almost had water come out my nose. Well played.

My reply:  Trolling is my specialty!

*************************

J says.... You are unbelievable.

I have an advanced degree, but a *>(&!@ like you will never score a modest decent guy like myself.

Good luck, you gold digger.

Cheers,

PS--Who would ever want to have children with such a person as yourself???

My reply... You seem to dig it. Why else did you respond. Which criterion do you fill? A) doctor B) large dong or C) inheritance?

J says.... Ok...

I need to see a photo.

My reply:  You first

J says...  I'm on the right...

 (photo redacted. I am a troll, not a bitch)

*******************************

Anonymous says.... Ha

My reply: So....does this mean you fit into one of my three categories?  A) doctor B) Big Dong 3) Inheritance   :)

Anonymous says... Yup. I do. more than 1. But it also means I don't deal with gold diggers :)

Sorry for laughing at you. Best wishes and be safe!!

My reply: Thanks for participating in my troll
******************************

T (the one who said, "Bitch get real!" above sends another email)

If you need some attention call me at (number redacted) because you can't be that fuck up.

My reply: T (name redacted)  thank you for your reply.  In order to process your request, I must know how you fit in to my criterion.  Are you A) a doctor B) have a big dong  C) an inheritance.  Please reply with your answer and a picture.  I value your inquiry. 

*****************************

D says... aurgry callous wench.

My reply:  Hello, thank you for your reply. You neglected to state which category you fit: 1) dr 2) big dong 3) inheritance. Please reply with a pic.

*****************************************

S says... You are fucking hysterical!

Thank you so much.  Hurry up and send it in to the Best Of CL before it gets flagged.  There's probably (not probably, there is) a woman out there that fits this description to the letter.  When she sees that someone stole her ad she's gonna be pissed.

Thank you for making my day.  You're fantastic!  

My reply: I am glad you like it. I got cussed out quite a bit!

S says...  I can imagine that you did.  I have often thought of posting one like it but haven't.     

               You're my hero.   Have a good day.  

My reply:  Aw thanks. I am just doing my part to troll the internet one sucker at a time. 

*************

J says... Lol nice just a funny ad

My reply:  :)

******************

C says... Tooooo funny if your joking we will get along

My reply: It seems to be 50/50 people cussing me out and people getting the joke.

C says... So which one is it

(I dunno what the fuck he is asking, so I just ignored him)

************************

OK here's one of my favorites! 

P says... Really now....you think some guy is going to come to you with 100k a year and you have to file chapter 7 and have 50k instudent loan debts...sheeesh lady, if your ad is real...you gotta lot of nerve...high maintenance and expecting some prince to treat you like a queen...sickening...and you women wonder why we men are turning to foreign women fast....

Craigs is full of people like you demanding all and giving nothing in return of any quality in relationship whatsoever...sounds like you need a time out in the "I am selfish today" corner....

My reply:  Hello (name redacted),

Thank you for the reply. However, you neglected to tell me in which category you fit:
A) doctor B) big dong C) inheritance. Please reply with your answer and a pic. Thanks for your inquiry.

P says... Did not reply with picture orm y financial status as I am not looking for women like you...read what I sent you...you are expecting WAYYYYY too much for Craigs, and you have nothing to give us guys at all except more debt and bankruptcy....the only photo I send you is one of the cities I lived in last year and travel to and from often in the last four years...let me see if you can even tell me what city this is...the pic is my own...one among thousands.....

(picture redacted)

Sincerely, P (name redacted)

My reply: You crack me up. You do realize my post was a joke, right?

P says... OH MY GOSH! NO...I did not...there are truly so many women on here that put that shit on here...and it drives me nuts....

I just posted this today in lieu of the women that are posting...that is funny...you got me though...ha ha ha...and that is not my picture by the way...LOL That is funny....thanks for the satire...

Women on Craigs...really now!!!!! (METRO AND BURBS)

The reason you guys cannot get a date is because you cannot meet my perfect expectations of what I am seeking in a guy....I need a man that is financially stable, in other words well off so I can sit on my butt and do nothing but have dogs, $5 coffee all day, watch soaps and smoke 420. I want a man who loves to drink and party, spoil me and he must be GQ all the way, while I never have to change or meet any of HIS expectations at all...

I cannot stand men that do not accept me for being a "Little bit chunky" PLUS size, Curvy, etc..if you don't like the way I am and all you do is judge me...then MOVE ON...

I love to complain...man bash, watch tee vee and sit on the sofa all day...love to eat at Buffets and make drama...so if you are not into that...please...don't respond...

Please put "Whole lotta love" in the subject heading so I know you are serious and real...thank you!

My reply: Hey! Where did you find my picture? :p

P says... Sorry for stealing your portrait...can I date you? LOL...man...that woman is really what one would call "overweight" sheeesh!

Are you female by the way? If you are...you have great satire which I love......

*********************

S says.... Sup I'm not looking for all that but an the mean We could hook up until you find what you are looking for

My reply: Dear S (name redacted)

You neglected to mention in which category
You fit: A) dr B) big dong C) inheritance. Please reply with your answer and a pic. Thank you for the inquiry.

S says... (picture redacted)  Big dong 

My reply:  I don't believe you. I need photographic proof.

S replies with a picture of ripped white dude with a huge dong.  He's hispanic. I know its not him. 

My reply: bullshit - that's not you! That is a white guy!

S says.... Alright then you stupid bitch. Looks like you ain't gonna get your back broke. 

My reply: Here's something you might enjoy:  I'M A DUDE.

Thanks for the dick pic.

******************

C says... Hello there...

5'10

220LBS

1/ 2 Hawaiian 1/2 Mexican

Stocky/Athletic

Single

Light brown eyes

Short jet black hair

Straight white teeth

Caring

Honest

Faithful

Passionate

Intelligent

Very Funny

UNC (Business/Marketing)

Bar Owner

(city redacted)

36years old

(Full name and phone # redacted)

**************************

T is back.... You keep getting flag because you are a dumb ass and men an women see you ass gold digging idiot! 
My reply: You sound sexy.  Wanna hook up?
T says....I am to me but I'm waiting for someone special maybe it could be you   (multiple photos redacted)
My reply:  Nah, its not me
*************************
F says... yo never quit do you.. maybe you should do some work during the day??  just saying
My reply: Hello Frank. Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the reply.  You didn't mention which of the three categories you fit into? A) Dr  B) Big Dong C) Inheritance.   A pic would be nice too.  Thanks for your inquiry
F says... d) landscaping
My reply: That's not part of the criteria.  
F says.... well i extrapolated.. thought that was acceptable.